Sunday, June 24, 2007 @ 11:58 PM
Hmmm.. Exposed sounds really wrong if you aint thinking about it the right way. When the word exposed is brought up, people tend to think of flashers? Those perverts that go around flashing and exposing themselves to the world?
Well, in this case it's different. What I meant was the exposure of one's self in the forms of personality/character. uh.. I'm not making much sense right now as I'm really should get back to studying with my countless "breaks" from mugging which is every 15 minutes. =.=
But a quick chat with my friend about certain issues regarding my personal life, he was quick to point out to me certain stuff about myself that I know I am guilty of, yet at the same time hoping that no one would notice that about me.
Below are snippets of the conversation we had before chasing each other off to study.
"you shouldn't have had to burden this all by yourself
sometimes its not the best thing to be so strong...
you're such a saddist
you like to make yourself suffer
its addictive isnt it...
keeping everything to yourself
then feeling down
like i said before... we're all here behind you all the way...
and we know you dont need our help
but at times
know that we're there... and you'll feel better
["~adriana~"] says (11:53 PM):
why did u say that "we know you dont need our help"?
["~adriana~"] says (11:54 PM):
i really give the impression to u guys?
because you're capable of handling your own issue
you'll always settle things before telling anyone else
so even if i say im here anytime you need someone to call
you'll never call me
you have our support, but you'll never use it
because you're afraid of being dependent on other people"
What he said was true. Especially the last part.
I am afraid of being dependent on other people.
I am afraid of being let down.
I dont want to be vulnerable as unscrupulous people may take advantage of it. That's why I always keep my problems to myself.
If you are reading this and thinking that wouldn't I be lonely, I can truthfully say that yes, I am lonely. Deep down inside, there's a yearning for finding that life partner where we both can sync together and be in tune with each other. So much that he would understand me and the endless conflicts I have.
Once, I had thought that I found the partner, but I was wrong. Wrong in the sense that I stupidly let my life being controlled and take over with. And losing myself, giving up my passion for life and singing, and friends in the process. If I'm being asked if I regretted that particular period of time in my life, I would answer no. It might be the dumbest answer you've ever heard. But think about it, you have only one life to live it. If you have any regrets, wouldn't you be wasting the precious amount of time you have left, trying to assure yourself that someday you wont feel regretful anymore or stuff like this.
I rather live my life right now the way I want. Going back to the stuff I love and meeting like-minded people or people who I can get along well with to hang out and talk about random stuff.
Right now, I have not found that someone for me to really depend on, thats why I have to be strong no matter what. But if he finds me or I find him, I would still have an independent streak in me. Except it would be a little toned down? I have no idea. But I do want to feel protected, safe, happy and of course, loved. Basic stuff ( or so i hope ). Ah. Imagining me surrendering myself to that someone? hmm.. I gladly would but he has to earn it.
Yes, my friends, in case you mistook me, please know that I love you guys and I know that I can always depend on you guys even if I dont talk to you guys about my problems. hehe.